Long Time No Write

I haven't written on here in a very long time. I apologize to my Leo cuz I've been too self absorbed to take the time. I have been up and down, round and round. I have been happy (never thought that would be possible again) and sad (imagine that).  I have really concentrated on losing weight and getting back in shape. I have been having some serious issues at work. Overall, I have neglected this beautiful memorial I created for my son. For that I am sorry.

On another note, I came on here today to vent about something I don't feel comfortable talking about with anyone else right now.

I am over a week late for my period.

I took a test a few days ago and it came back negative. Still aunt flow is a no show.

I'm scared to death.

I had only last week found out about a good baby loss friend's second loss and decided that I am not strong enough to live through that so I should never have another one.

Then this.

I'm freaking out.

If someone happens to read this blog any time soon, please pray for me. Pray that I am either pregnant and it arrives here safely for me to love, or that I am not and my period arrives here so I can chill out.

God? Help me.

Only for me

Yesterday Leo sent me a gift only for me.

I always have my phone on me, therefore I always snap pictures of all the beauty he sends. I have captured so many sunsets and sunrises in the past 5 months it is crazy.

Yesterday I forgot my phone.

I was walking and looked up to see the sunset beginning. I reached for my phone and realized it was not with me. At that same moment I realized that I wouldn't have time to go back and get it with out missing the sunset all together. I would have to absorb the images in my mind and hold them there.

The clouds were streaked across the sky and at second glance, looked like feathers. They actually formed an angel wing! I noticed that the brighter they became there was something unique about this sunset. There was a rainbow within the angel wing! The rainbow got richer and more brilliant as the colors progressed. I was overcome with a feeling of peace.

I wish I had been able to capture the image forever and be able to share it with the world. I don't think that was the purpose of it though. It was my gift. Just for me. My message from above that my angel boy is watching out for me. Perhaps my promise of things to come.

It is engraved in my mind forever. Thank you Leo. It was the best one yet.

The race to bfp

I sincerely hope no one is offended by this post, but as it is, this is my only place to vent these feelings and, after all, that is why I created this page.

I always felt like October would be the month Leo sent me a rainbow. I knew it from the day I came home from the hospital without him that it would go that way.

I remember when my first baby loss friend got her positive test 2 months after her loss and how the jealousy welled up. I couldn't control it and it was quite disturbing that it boiled over and I couldn't hide it. We have since lost contact for the most part.

I just knew in my heart that I was pregnant last month in September and my heart rejoiced at the thought of another chance. When my period started, I was devastated. I had no one to tell. I cried in solitude and accepted it unwillingly.

I have just seen an official post on facebook about one of my closest most treasured baby loss friends getting her positive test this month. There is also another girl who will most probably get her positive tomorrow.

I am happy for them because I want them to have rainbows as well, but again, I can't kill the freaking jealousy. I can see myself slipping away from these women as well. What is wrong with me?! I am so stupid...

I guess in my mind I was in a "race" to a bfp. I have obviously lost. These women are now in a different club than I am. The pregnant after loss club. Again I am left alone.

October 15th 2011

I have awaited this day for months. The one day out of the year that is dedicated to my tiny man who didn't get to stay. I didn't really know how I would react. Would I cry uncontrollably all day? Would I be able to rejoice in his short life? Would I find something special to do for him?

Well, the day is here.

I chose to do a balloon release. It turned out beautiful. I was all alone and I played "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I watched them float softly by the hand of the wind until they were gone from sight. It was only until I could no longer see them glimmer in the sunlight that I broke down and cried. I bawled my eyes out and didn't care who saw me.

After I was finished with my cry, I decided to take a walk. Perhaps Leo would send me a special gift today. I could not have imagined the magic he sent today.

As I walked I realized that dragonflies surrounded me on all sides. There were more dragonflies than I have seen in weeks! In fact I don't recall seeing one for quite awhile. That was just the beginning.

Now let me start by saying that I have been quite enamored with the Monarch Butterfly since I was a child. I have never in my 29 years seen one in person.

Today I saw 9.

The first one I thought, "It can't be a monarch!" "It has to be some other sort of butterfly!" But then I saw another closer and sure enough it was an elegant monarch!

I wanted to snap a photo of one of them but they were so fast as they floated on the wind that I couldn't seem to get it right. The 4th one was sent for me to photograph. It floated right in front of me and landed on a dandelion. It flew around my head twice before lifting off beyond my sight. I felt my emotions welling up.

I stood in the middle of the street with my camera in hand and cried for joy. Joy that my little man sent me such a glorious gift. Joy that I got to experience his precious life, although too short.

I love you son. I will never forget the day you brought the monarchs to your mommy. Kisses up to heaven. <3

A special gift

I have been very distant from my grief lately. Unfortunately that includes writing in my blog. I have really missed sharing some of my stories here, but have not been able to bring myself to "experience it" this way. I have been very lonely and sad and felt quite friendless here of late. I have made new facebook friends and new online support group acquaintances, but in my personal life and space there has been no one except for my wonderful boyfriend. He has been my rock and my shoulder to lean in , but I have missed the female companionship I used to have before all my "friends" went by the wayside in the wake of Leo's death. I actually sat at my computer and as I scanned everyone's status updates, I realized that I had never met any of those ladies and although I love them, I crave a hug and a coffee date and a friendship gift from someone. I wept over my lack of true friendship and my circumstances. I wept for the lack of my little buddy who was supposed to occupy so much of my time. I wept for my loneliness.

I went to work yesterday and saw a girl I have known for many years and lost repeatedly to work and transfers and life choices. I realized how much I missed her in my life and then I thought about her move soon two hours away. She said that she had something for me. We ran to the office where our purses were and she pulled a stone out of her purse. She handed it to me and I realized it was my favorite stone of all time! It was a magnificent slab of Labradorite! I recalled a conversation we once had about our favorite stone and how we had agreed that this one was both of our favorites. I told her it was beautiful and asked where it came from. What she said touched my heart deeply.

She said that she had a slab of Labradorite that was very special to her and as a token of our fateful friendship she went to a rock shop and had the guy cut it in half. It was like a best friend necklace that you would get in middle school, but it went deeper than that. Labradorite has magical harmony about it and we will forever hold a piece of the same stone.

I tried to hold in the tears, but couldn't. I had been so sad about not having a true friend when, even though fate has stolen her from me once again, I have one who will always be with me in spirit. Thank you Sally. I will treasure it always.

Young maturity

Last night I was approached by an 17 year old hostess who works for me. She said that she had been bottling it up inside, but needed to tell me that although she could never imagine my pain and couldn't level with me personally, she was deeply sorry for my son passing. She said it with such adult emotion and such sincerity that all I could do was smile. Strange reaction but she is one of two people who experienced my pregnancy with me to even brave mentioning it. For her to be so young and so capable of speaking on a topic obviously taboo in most eyes and to level with me like that brought me a bit of peace. She asked me who he looked like and how he passed and allowed me, for just a minute, to verbally remember Leo.

I feel like the further I get from his birth/death, the further I get from him. It has almost become the opposite of healing. To talk about him for just a minute gave me the ability to resurface those images I think I bury a little too deep in my mind. Ever since that moment I have played the slide show of his little welcome into and out of my world over and over. His beautiful face paired with the lack of his beautiful soul and how much I wish I had taken more pictures of him. The few times I kissed his little nose and wished that a tiny breath would escape those nostrils....

He was my last thought before I went to sleep and my first memory when I awoke.

I thanked the young lady last night but I don't think she understood the incredible importance of what she did. She allowed Leo to reenter my mind and for his face to float around in my memory after weeks of suppression. It is almost as if she allowed him to come back for a bit. I'm sure with the absolute raw emotion I let out when I sit here and think of him, that I will rebury his images to protect myself. I will place them so deep in my heart and mind that they will require the random scratching of the surface before he can dig his way back into my fore mind. I don't think Leo holds it against me. Maybe I hold it against myself...

Thankful

I have experienced so many signs that Leo is still here with me since his departure from this plane. I never got to soothe his cries or caress his little warm face, but I receive gifts from heaven on a daily basis. All along my walk of life (which has been much harder since the weight of his loss has been added to my shoulders) I see things that I believe to be true messages from heaven. Things that others may have passed by numerous times and shrugged off, and things that I know only appear for me.

Leo paints the skies for me. Be it sunrise or sunset, he knows what is appropriate and exactly what reflects the colors of my emotions.

Leo gives me rainbows. Not always in the sky,but in places others tend to ignore them. In the dew drops on my walks, on the floor of the pool when the water is still, in the humid haze emanating off of the hot asphalt. That is where I find my Leo.

Leo brings me bugs! Like any little boy would, he always brings me bugs to make me smile. I am constantly surrounded by butterflies, dragonflies, and lady bugs. They swoop in when my sadness threatens to overcome my soul. They bring lighter feelings and smiles. Sometimes they just desire to float along beside me on my walks, or sit with me on my patio. It is in the insects that I see his smile and feel his presence the strongest.

He exists in the glow of the little flames dancing on his candles.

He throws down so many monies form heaven I think I may get rich! Just today I was walking to the apartment offices to pick up an un-named package and I looked down to find a penny at my feet. I picked it up and smiled. When I entered the office I looked at the pile of packages for all the residents. Right on top, I knew it was mine. Another free gift from Similac... I stood there and stared at it until the office manager asked me could she help me. I squeezed the penny in my palm, still warm from the morning sun, and shook my head no. I picked up the package and trudged home. I didn't cry though. I held my penny. In my mind, I held Leo. A dragonfly flew by my head and I knew it was him soothing my heart.

I have a collection of little treasures thrown down from the sky, right at my feet. Beautiful little shiny things that carry undeniable meaning to me. I have thought to myself that perhaps I am reading more into these things than they deserve, but upon review, the meaning remains the same. The are definitely communications from my baby angel. No doubt.

Leo has visited me in my dreams. A few times now. He has sent others to my dreams to speak for him. It is always amazing when I wake up from a dream where I got to communicate with him. The most memorable time being a dream where he spoke to me soon after leaving.

I was so depressed, I couldn't eat, drink, or barely breathe. I felt like I was already dead and didn't know what would stop me from finishing the job. I had based my entire future on what was growing in my belly and I had built a life that included him forever. He was gone. I was lost. I cried myself to sleep on this particular night, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. At some point the dream began. It went from dark to an opening of the scene from my point of view, and I was sitting on a park bench. It was fall and I was surrounded by Gingko trees, all a brilliant yellow. The leaves were floating down all around my feet and I was crying. I felt something touch my knee and when I looked down, I saw a little boy, probably 4 years old, and he was looking at my face with concern. He questioned, "why are you so sad?" I realized who he was at that moment. I cried out, "because you are gone! Because it is over!" I burst into tears. He held his hand on my knee and looked me in the eyes, "Mommy, I don't want you to be so sad. It is not the end. There will be another chance and it will be ok." My breath got caught in my throat. Like it did just now as I recalled the dream. I sat and stared at his beautiful face and believed what he said to be true.  Before I realized it, it was over, I awoke. I lay there recalling every detail so as not to forget it and lose it in that middle area between awake and asleep. I wrote it down in the journal his daddy had given me. I got up, showered, ate and took a deep breath. I was ready to live again.

About a month later, I had a dream in which I was pregnant. The next scene skipped ahead and I had given birth already. I looked into the bassinet and there were two babies! Twins! A boy and a girl staring up at me with bright eyes. I was shocked and I asked them, "where did you come from?!" In unison they answered me. "Leo sent us from heaven."

All in all, my dreams are astoundingly realistic. They resonate in my being weeks after they occur. I feel blessed to have had them.

After all of the less than stellar moments of my life up until Leo, he doesn't want to be the one that breaks me. Why should he be? He was nothing but beautiful in his entirety. His soul was so beautiful that he made sure to cross back over from heaven to let me know that the future held hope. He just wasn't meant to be mine here on earth. He was always meant to be my forever baby in heaven, looking out for me and sending me wonderful gifts from above.

Although I recognize the spectacular nature of the events I have shared today, I would give them all back to have him here in my arms. A 2 week old man child. A perfect replica of his daddy. Everything that I envisioned in my mind.

Instead I have signs. And I am thankful for those.