Yesterday Leo sent me a gift only for me.
I always have my phone on me, therefore I always snap pictures of all the beauty he sends. I have captured so many sunsets and sunrises in the past 5 months it is crazy.
Yesterday I forgot my phone.
I was walking and looked up to see the sunset beginning. I reached for my phone and realized it was not with me. At that same moment I realized that I wouldn't have time to go back and get it with out missing the sunset all together. I would have to absorb the images in my mind and hold them there.
The clouds were streaked across the sky and at second glance, looked like feathers. They actually formed an angel wing! I noticed that the brighter they became there was something unique about this sunset. There was a rainbow within the angel wing! The rainbow got richer and more brilliant as the colors progressed. I was overcome with a feeling of peace.
I wish I had been able to capture the image forever and be able to share it with the world. I don't think that was the purpose of it though. It was my gift. Just for me. My message from above that my angel boy is watching out for me. Perhaps my promise of things to come.
It is engraved in my mind forever. Thank you Leo. It was the best one yet.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The race to bfp
I sincerely hope no one is offended by this post, but as it is, this is my only place to vent these feelings and, after all, that is why I created this page.
I always felt like October would be the month Leo sent me a rainbow. I knew it from the day I came home from the hospital without him that it would go that way.
I remember when my first baby loss friend got her positive test 2 months after her loss and how the jealousy welled up. I couldn't control it and it was quite disturbing that it boiled over and I couldn't hide it. We have since lost contact for the most part.
I just knew in my heart that I was pregnant last month in September and my heart rejoiced at the thought of another chance. When my period started, I was devastated. I had no one to tell. I cried in solitude and accepted it unwillingly.
I have just seen an official post on facebook about one of my closest most treasured baby loss friends getting her positive test this month. There is also another girl who will most probably get her positive tomorrow.
I am happy for them because I want them to have rainbows as well, but again, I can't kill the freaking jealousy. I can see myself slipping away from these women as well. What is wrong with me?! I am so stupid...
I guess in my mind I was in a "race" to a bfp. I have obviously lost. These women are now in a different club than I am. The pregnant after loss club. Again I am left alone.
I always felt like October would be the month Leo sent me a rainbow. I knew it from the day I came home from the hospital without him that it would go that way.
I remember when my first baby loss friend got her positive test 2 months after her loss and how the jealousy welled up. I couldn't control it and it was quite disturbing that it boiled over and I couldn't hide it. We have since lost contact for the most part.
I just knew in my heart that I was pregnant last month in September and my heart rejoiced at the thought of another chance. When my period started, I was devastated. I had no one to tell. I cried in solitude and accepted it unwillingly.
I have just seen an official post on facebook about one of my closest most treasured baby loss friends getting her positive test this month. There is also another girl who will most probably get her positive tomorrow.
I am happy for them because I want them to have rainbows as well, but again, I can't kill the freaking jealousy. I can see myself slipping away from these women as well. What is wrong with me?! I am so stupid...
I guess in my mind I was in a "race" to a bfp. I have obviously lost. These women are now in a different club than I am. The pregnant after loss club. Again I am left alone.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
October 15th 2011
I have awaited this day for months. The one day out of the year that is dedicated to my tiny man who didn't get to stay. I didn't really know how I would react. Would I cry uncontrollably all day? Would I be able to rejoice in his short life? Would I find something special to do for him?
Well, the day is here.
I chose to do a balloon release. It turned out beautiful. I was all alone and I played "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I watched them float softly by the hand of the wind until they were gone from sight. It was only until I could no longer see them glimmer in the sunlight that I broke down and cried. I bawled my eyes out and didn't care who saw me.
After I was finished with my cry, I decided to take a walk. Perhaps Leo would send me a special gift today. I could not have imagined the magic he sent today.
As I walked I realized that dragonflies surrounded me on all sides. There were more dragonflies than I have seen in weeks! In fact I don't recall seeing one for quite awhile. That was just the beginning.
Now let me start by saying that I have been quite enamored with the Monarch Butterfly since I was a child. I have never in my 29 years seen one in person.
Today I saw 9.
The first one I thought, "It can't be a monarch!" "It has to be some other sort of butterfly!" But then I saw another closer and sure enough it was an elegant monarch!
I wanted to snap a photo of one of them but they were so fast as they floated on the wind that I couldn't seem to get it right. The 4th one was sent for me to photograph. It floated right in front of me and landed on a dandelion. It flew around my head twice before lifting off beyond my sight. I felt my emotions welling up.
I stood in the middle of the street with my camera in hand and cried for joy. Joy that my little man sent me such a glorious gift. Joy that I got to experience his precious life, although too short.
I love you son. I will never forget the day you brought the monarchs to your mommy. Kisses up to heaven. <3
Well, the day is here.
I chose to do a balloon release. It turned out beautiful. I was all alone and I played "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. I watched them float softly by the hand of the wind until they were gone from sight. It was only until I could no longer see them glimmer in the sunlight that I broke down and cried. I bawled my eyes out and didn't care who saw me.
After I was finished with my cry, I decided to take a walk. Perhaps Leo would send me a special gift today. I could not have imagined the magic he sent today.
As I walked I realized that dragonflies surrounded me on all sides. There were more dragonflies than I have seen in weeks! In fact I don't recall seeing one for quite awhile. That was just the beginning.
Now let me start by saying that I have been quite enamored with the Monarch Butterfly since I was a child. I have never in my 29 years seen one in person.
Today I saw 9.
The first one I thought, "It can't be a monarch!" "It has to be some other sort of butterfly!" But then I saw another closer and sure enough it was an elegant monarch!
I wanted to snap a photo of one of them but they were so fast as they floated on the wind that I couldn't seem to get it right. The 4th one was sent for me to photograph. It floated right in front of me and landed on a dandelion. It flew around my head twice before lifting off beyond my sight. I felt my emotions welling up.
I stood in the middle of the street with my camera in hand and cried for joy. Joy that my little man sent me such a glorious gift. Joy that I got to experience his precious life, although too short.
I love you son. I will never forget the day you brought the monarchs to your mommy. Kisses up to heaven. <3
Sunday, October 2, 2011
A special gift
I have been very distant from my grief lately. Unfortunately that includes writing in my blog. I have really missed sharing some of my stories here, but have not been able to bring myself to "experience it" this way. I have been very lonely and sad and felt quite friendless here of late. I have made new facebook friends and new online support group acquaintances, but in my personal life and space there has been no one except for my wonderful boyfriend. He has been my rock and my shoulder to lean in , but I have missed the female companionship I used to have before all my "friends" went by the wayside in the wake of Leo's death. I actually sat at my computer and as I scanned everyone's status updates, I realized that I had never met any of those ladies and although I love them, I crave a hug and a coffee date and a friendship gift from someone. I wept over my lack of true friendship and my circumstances. I wept for the lack of my little buddy who was supposed to occupy so much of my time. I wept for my loneliness.
I went to work yesterday and saw a girl I have known for many years and lost repeatedly to work and transfers and life choices. I realized how much I missed her in my life and then I thought about her move soon two hours away. She said that she had something for me. We ran to the office where our purses were and she pulled a stone out of her purse. She handed it to me and I realized it was my favorite stone of all time! It was a magnificent slab of Labradorite! I recalled a conversation we once had about our favorite stone and how we had agreed that this one was both of our favorites. I told her it was beautiful and asked where it came from. What she said touched my heart deeply.
She said that she had a slab of Labradorite that was very special to her and as a token of our fateful friendship she went to a rock shop and had the guy cut it in half. It was like a best friend necklace that you would get in middle school, but it went deeper than that. Labradorite has magical harmony about it and we will forever hold a piece of the same stone.
I tried to hold in the tears, but couldn't. I had been so sad about not having a true friend when, even though fate has stolen her from me once again, I have one who will always be with me in spirit. Thank you Sally. I will treasure it always.
I went to work yesterday and saw a girl I have known for many years and lost repeatedly to work and transfers and life choices. I realized how much I missed her in my life and then I thought about her move soon two hours away. She said that she had something for me. We ran to the office where our purses were and she pulled a stone out of her purse. She handed it to me and I realized it was my favorite stone of all time! It was a magnificent slab of Labradorite! I recalled a conversation we once had about our favorite stone and how we had agreed that this one was both of our favorites. I told her it was beautiful and asked where it came from. What she said touched my heart deeply.
She said that she had a slab of Labradorite that was very special to her and as a token of our fateful friendship she went to a rock shop and had the guy cut it in half. It was like a best friend necklace that you would get in middle school, but it went deeper than that. Labradorite has magical harmony about it and we will forever hold a piece of the same stone.
I tried to hold in the tears, but couldn't. I had been so sad about not having a true friend when, even though fate has stolen her from me once again, I have one who will always be with me in spirit. Thank you Sally. I will treasure it always.
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