The race to bfp

I sincerely hope no one is offended by this post, but as it is, this is my only place to vent these feelings and, after all, that is why I created this page.

I always felt like October would be the month Leo sent me a rainbow. I knew it from the day I came home from the hospital without him that it would go that way.

I remember when my first baby loss friend got her positive test 2 months after her loss and how the jealousy welled up. I couldn't control it and it was quite disturbing that it boiled over and I couldn't hide it. We have since lost contact for the most part.

I just knew in my heart that I was pregnant last month in September and my heart rejoiced at the thought of another chance. When my period started, I was devastated. I had no one to tell. I cried in solitude and accepted it unwillingly.

I have just seen an official post on facebook about one of my closest most treasured baby loss friends getting her positive test this month. There is also another girl who will most probably get her positive tomorrow.

I am happy for them because I want them to have rainbows as well, but again, I can't kill the freaking jealousy. I can see myself slipping away from these women as well. What is wrong with me?! I am so stupid...

I guess in my mind I was in a "race" to a bfp. I have obviously lost. These women are now in a different club than I am. The pregnant after loss club. Again I am left alone.