Thankful

I have experienced so many signs that Leo is still here with me since his departure from this plane. I never got to soothe his cries or caress his little warm face, but I receive gifts from heaven on a daily basis. All along my walk of life (which has been much harder since the weight of his loss has been added to my shoulders) I see things that I believe to be true messages from heaven. Things that others may have passed by numerous times and shrugged off, and things that I know only appear for me.

Leo paints the skies for me. Be it sunrise or sunset, he knows what is appropriate and exactly what reflects the colors of my emotions.

Leo gives me rainbows. Not always in the sky,but in places others tend to ignore them. In the dew drops on my walks, on the floor of the pool when the water is still, in the humid haze emanating off of the hot asphalt. That is where I find my Leo.

Leo brings me bugs! Like any little boy would, he always brings me bugs to make me smile. I am constantly surrounded by butterflies, dragonflies, and lady bugs. They swoop in when my sadness threatens to overcome my soul. They bring lighter feelings and smiles. Sometimes they just desire to float along beside me on my walks, or sit with me on my patio. It is in the insects that I see his smile and feel his presence the strongest.

He exists in the glow of the little flames dancing on his candles.

He throws down so many monies form heaven I think I may get rich! Just today I was walking to the apartment offices to pick up an un-named package and I looked down to find a penny at my feet. I picked it up and smiled. When I entered the office I looked at the pile of packages for all the residents. Right on top, I knew it was mine. Another free gift from Similac... I stood there and stared at it until the office manager asked me could she help me. I squeezed the penny in my palm, still warm from the morning sun, and shook my head no. I picked up the package and trudged home. I didn't cry though. I held my penny. In my mind, I held Leo. A dragonfly flew by my head and I knew it was him soothing my heart.

I have a collection of little treasures thrown down from the sky, right at my feet. Beautiful little shiny things that carry undeniable meaning to me. I have thought to myself that perhaps I am reading more into these things than they deserve, but upon review, the meaning remains the same. The are definitely communications from my baby angel. No doubt.

Leo has visited me in my dreams. A few times now. He has sent others to my dreams to speak for him. It is always amazing when I wake up from a dream where I got to communicate with him. The most memorable time being a dream where he spoke to me soon after leaving.

I was so depressed, I couldn't eat, drink, or barely breathe. I felt like I was already dead and didn't know what would stop me from finishing the job. I had based my entire future on what was growing in my belly and I had built a life that included him forever. He was gone. I was lost. I cried myself to sleep on this particular night, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. At some point the dream began. It went from dark to an opening of the scene from my point of view, and I was sitting on a park bench. It was fall and I was surrounded by Gingko trees, all a brilliant yellow. The leaves were floating down all around my feet and I was crying. I felt something touch my knee and when I looked down, I saw a little boy, probably 4 years old, and he was looking at my face with concern. He questioned, "why are you so sad?" I realized who he was at that moment. I cried out, "because you are gone! Because it is over!" I burst into tears. He held his hand on my knee and looked me in the eyes, "Mommy, I don't want you to be so sad. It is not the end. There will be another chance and it will be ok." My breath got caught in my throat. Like it did just now as I recalled the dream. I sat and stared at his beautiful face and believed what he said to be true.  Before I realized it, it was over, I awoke. I lay there recalling every detail so as not to forget it and lose it in that middle area between awake and asleep. I wrote it down in the journal his daddy had given me. I got up, showered, ate and took a deep breath. I was ready to live again.

About a month later, I had a dream in which I was pregnant. The next scene skipped ahead and I had given birth already. I looked into the bassinet and there were two babies! Twins! A boy and a girl staring up at me with bright eyes. I was shocked and I asked them, "where did you come from?!" In unison they answered me. "Leo sent us from heaven."

All in all, my dreams are astoundingly realistic. They resonate in my being weeks after they occur. I feel blessed to have had them.

After all of the less than stellar moments of my life up until Leo, he doesn't want to be the one that breaks me. Why should he be? He was nothing but beautiful in his entirety. His soul was so beautiful that he made sure to cross back over from heaven to let me know that the future held hope. He just wasn't meant to be mine here on earth. He was always meant to be my forever baby in heaven, looking out for me and sending me wonderful gifts from above.

Although I recognize the spectacular nature of the events I have shared today, I would give them all back to have him here in my arms. A 2 week old man child. A perfect replica of his daddy. Everything that I envisioned in my mind.

Instead I have signs. And I am thankful for those.

Monies from heaven

Have you ever heard of this phenomenon called pennies from heaven? I had heard of it but hadn't really experienced it until lately.

I first realized something was going on when I started finding pennies all over the place. I literally find at least two pennies a day most days. Just recently I have found at least one dime a day for over two weeks. I thought about it when my penny dish overflowed onto the countertop. The pennies from heaven thing crossed my mind.

I counted the pennies I have found in the past two months after losing leo. It was over $2! That is over 200 pennies! I am averaging 3 pennies a day. There has to be some sort of validity to the story.

An angel in heaven throws down a penny every time they miss you or think of you. Dang Leo, you must miss mommy bunches. I find two pennies a day outside of my apartment. It's almost ridiculous.

The dime thing started two weeks ago. I was stopping by the gas station to pick up my Sunday papers for coupons, and I heard a voice in my ear say, "keep your eyes open, you will find money on the ground." Creepy right? I parked my car and got out and saw a glint in the sun light. It was a shiny dime and a penny laying next to one another. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Later that day I found (at different times) another dime and two more pennies. I joked with my coworker that Leo was so unique he changed it to dimes from heaven just for me!

The next day I found a dime and two pennies. The following day I found another dime. Everyday I find at least one dime. I have found dimes all over town. There has to be something going on here. Just today I found 2 dimes. Every time I find them now, it becomes crazier.

Leo, if you are throwing dimes to your mommy, don't stop. I always knew that our love was a perfect 10. I just didn't know it was a perfect 10 cent piece.

I love you. Monies from heaven.

Rewind...Relive

I was taking a walk today with my son Xai and I was really trucking it.

I am on a mission to get back down to the healthy weight I had found right before Leo found his way into my womb. I feel like I can somehow recreate a similar experience if I make sure certain elements reflect the past. I may have truly lost it, but I feel like there will be some serious de ja vu soon. It is eminent. I am investing my soul into these prophetic nuances. I am officially psychotic.

Anyways, Xai was eating a honey bun (healthy right?) and he dropped it in the dirt as I moved along the road side. He yelled for me to "stop and go back and get it!" I did, but it was covered in dirt and nasty roadside mysteries. I held it up for him to see and told him I was sorry, but we had to throw it out and move along. He breathed out very dramatically and said, "I wish there was a rewind button to life." It caught me off guard that a 6 year old could think of something so deep.

I told him that I wished that as well. (What I couldn't tell him, was how many times I have wanted to push the rewind button and relive certain moments in time with his little brother). He demonstrated how it would work and it made me laugh a bit.

A rewind button for life. Not a time machine. There would be no way to change the outcome. Just a way to reexperience. To refeel the kicks and wiggles. To reeat his favorite foods and reknow that it made him dance. A chance to resing and retalk to his little growing soul. To reappreciate pregnancy.

Perhaps that is what I desire to do. Not go back and change Leo's life story, but to relive it over.

I told his father that even if I knew the end to our Leo, I would never have chosen not to carry him. I would always choose to carry him for as long as God gave him to me. It was one of the greatest honors of my life to be Leo's mommy. He was beautiful, wonderful, and exactly what he was meant to be.

If I could rewind time. If I could hold you in my body again. I would recherish every moment my love. Exactly the same way over.

Love letter

Well, tomorrow is your official EDD little buddy. I would have already had you due to the scheduled c section, but tomorrow is the day you would have been full gestational age. In a perfect world you would have been 1 week old. Instead my lilie pie ticker just told me it has been 2 months 3 weeks and 1 day since we said goodbye.

I don't have a lot to say. I guess I just wanted to write on here to say I love you. I will never forget the time we had together. I believe that in my heart I knew your existence was fleeting. That is why I bought so much stuff to prepare for you; to try to solidify what I knew would slip through my fingers.

I ache to be pregnant again. It is one of the only things driving me to continue on. The possibility of a real redemption baby to fill this void. A baby that can stay. Please talk to God and convince him to give me another chance. Please visit me in my dreams tonight. Let me know you are ok and that there is hope in the future.

I love you Leo.

Kindred spirits

Again tonight I heard that voice in my head say, "tell her about Leo. She will understand." I spoke about you. The girl looked at me and said, "you lost him to stillbirth?" I shook my head yes and she told me that she also lost a son to still birth 5 years ago. We had one of those moments where we connected on a level unlike any other and then we smiled as we remembered our lost boys. It wasn't sad. It was nice. I could freely speak about you and she could freely speak about her son without worrying about what anyone thought.

I realized that every time I here the voice tell me to share my story, I tell it to the right person. A kindred spirit is found that would have remained anonymous otherwise. I want to thank whoever is responsible for said things. For letting me find the people I have found so far and allowing me the moments to share you with them and have them reciprocate.

A day of loss

Early this morning, at the end of my work day, I thought about how had things been different, I would be getting ready to go to the hospital to give birth to you. It was 5:30 am and I was going to bed. I imagined how it would have been to wake up to the alarm and know I was going to meet your pretty face in a matter of hours. How glorious that would have been...

I decided it was only appropriate that I watch the sun come up on this day of empty promises. I walked outside and the sky had such great potential for a magnificent sunrise. The way the clouds layered over each other and the pinks that were already starting to form held great expectations. I stood and I waited.

I continued to wait, and I checked the time. It seemed the sunrise was a little behind this morning. I felt like the sun should already have peeked out from behind the horizon. The sky had only changed minimally.

Then I saw a flash of red begin. I thought to myself,"oh shit here it comes!" I remembered the sunrise you had painted for me 2 weeks ago and I got excited. The flash of red spread a little and then the sky faded into a gray blue color. I was left standing there with my camera ready and nothing to record. I stood there and contemplated the sky before me.

It was as if the sky reflected the events of your life. The glow of red being the hope and love that emanated from my being while awaiting your arrival. The destined promise of bright beginnings and harmonious colors waiting to explode. And then at the precipice of the opening act, an anticlimax. The loss of light and the absence of color ended it all.

How appropriate that there be nothing to record this morning. Silence when cries should have been present and a dismal sky when there should have been glory. The sun attempted to mourn your loss today and although it was impossible for it to skip waking up, it showed it respects to your little soul's absence here on earth.

I am not as sad as I imagined I would be today. The days building up to this one have culminated into a sort of numbness. I will laugh and smile and cry and sing today in your honor. I hope you can feel my love as I send it up into the heavens for you.

Leo. Oh Leo. (I close my eyes and remember)

Broken

I could write beautiful poems and intricate paragraphs about what should have been today. I choose not to do either. I love you Leo. I wish I could have changed the outcome of your little life. I loved you every moment until your end and I will continue until my end. The things that should have been couldn't. I will never comprehend why. All that I know at this moment, while I contemplate how different things turned out, is that I miss you and love you and ache for you.

It's A Boy...

Tomorrow is the day he was supposed to be born. The dreaded scheduled c section day. The day I was going to give birth to my last son. My last child. As we all know, that's not how it ended up. I have been so stressed out at the arrival of tomorrow. Up until now I have been near suicidal over it. I have literally sat and thought about ending it all so I could see you on the other side. Selfish? Yes, very. My reality? Absolutely.

Yesterday I awoke feeling frantic. I was anxious from the moment I opened my eyes. I went in to work and dealt with my sadness silently all day. I turned a brave face forward. Inside I was dying. The other manager and I decided to walk to the mailbox, even though it was Sunday and we knew there was nothing in it. As we walked out the door I had a feeling that you might send me a sign. We walked all the way to the mailbox and there was nothing. I got a little disappointed. I turned to walk back to the restaurant, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw something blue. I reached down to pick it up.

It was one of those pieces of confetti that you would find at a baby shower. It read "It's A Boy" in baby blue. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Thank you for continuing to send me signs from above. Some days they are the only thing that keep me going.

I miss you with all of my soul. I wish things could have been different. I want to hold your precious body one more time. I want to kiss your nose. I want you...

F It All

I am so angry. Angry at the world. Why can we give 90 year old men boners but we couldn't save my precious son? Fuck everything. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

At a loss

Today I am at a loss for words. There is no word in the english language that can describe how I feel. You were supposed to be born in three days and instead I am drowning in sorrow over your loss. I don't know what to do. I miss you more than I could ever express.

Gift from Heaven

I was thinking about Leo a lot yesterday at work and talking about him with the one girl who will listen. Shortly after, I had to walk to the mailbox which is on the other side of the complex. I was walking along and paused in a random spot. I looked down and right by my foot I saw silver glinting in the afternoon sun. I picked up this tiny angel wing and knew that it was my gift from Leo in heaven, letting me know he was thinking of me too.

Every step

In my walk of life here recently, I have lived for signs. Signs that my son smiles down from heaven. Signs that I have hope in my future. Signs that I may end up alright.

I have seen signs on a daily basis, but one that I hope for always seems absent. I have spoken of the rainbows I saw during Leo's last days on earth. Every time it has rained since then I have searched the skies for a glimpse of another one. Many times it has poured down rain, and the sun continued to shine through it. I just knew that I would see a rainbow. Not once did one show up. I have been disappointed numerous times so far. Just yesterday the rain came down as the sun was setting and I ran outside the building at work, afraid I might miss one if he finally sent it.

There was no rainbow.

I didn't say anything, but inside I felt let down. I thought to myself,"I have been so patient! Why can't I just see a rainbow!? I have already been deprived of my precious son! Can I just see a fucking rainbow already!?" I came home from work and went to sleep.

When I awoke today, I decided to go on one of my long walks around the neighborhood. I got dressed and put on my walking shoes and left the house. As I walked, the sun came out from behind the clouds. I looked over at the grass on the side of the road and noticed something amazing.

There were little droplets of rain left on each blade of grass from the rain yesterday. When the sun came out and hit them at the right angle, each tiny drop became a prism and filled with an itty bitty rainbow.  I was overcome with happiness!

He hadn't been depriving me of my rainbows! He had been saving them up! On my entire walk, There were rainbows. Beautiful drops of color and it was in them that I saw my sign I had been frantically searching for in the sky.

It was as if he was letting me know that he is closer to me than the sky. He is here on this walk of life with me.

Every step of the way.