A day of loss

Early this morning, at the end of my work day, I thought about how had things been different, I would be getting ready to go to the hospital to give birth to you. It was 5:30 am and I was going to bed. I imagined how it would have been to wake up to the alarm and know I was going to meet your pretty face in a matter of hours. How glorious that would have been...

I decided it was only appropriate that I watch the sun come up on this day of empty promises. I walked outside and the sky had such great potential for a magnificent sunrise. The way the clouds layered over each other and the pinks that were already starting to form held great expectations. I stood and I waited.

I continued to wait, and I checked the time. It seemed the sunrise was a little behind this morning. I felt like the sun should already have peeked out from behind the horizon. The sky had only changed minimally.

Then I saw a flash of red begin. I thought to myself,"oh shit here it comes!" I remembered the sunrise you had painted for me 2 weeks ago and I got excited. The flash of red spread a little and then the sky faded into a gray blue color. I was left standing there with my camera ready and nothing to record. I stood there and contemplated the sky before me.

It was as if the sky reflected the events of your life. The glow of red being the hope and love that emanated from my being while awaiting your arrival. The destined promise of bright beginnings and harmonious colors waiting to explode. And then at the precipice of the opening act, an anticlimax. The loss of light and the absence of color ended it all.

How appropriate that there be nothing to record this morning. Silence when cries should have been present and a dismal sky when there should have been glory. The sun attempted to mourn your loss today and although it was impossible for it to skip waking up, it showed it respects to your little soul's absence here on earth.

I am not as sad as I imagined I would be today. The days building up to this one have culminated into a sort of numbness. I will laugh and smile and cry and sing today in your honor. I hope you can feel my love as I send it up into the heavens for you.

Leo. Oh Leo. (I close my eyes and remember)