It's A Boy...

Tomorrow is the day he was supposed to be born. The dreaded scheduled c section day. The day I was going to give birth to my last son. My last child. As we all know, that's not how it ended up. I have been so stressed out at the arrival of tomorrow. Up until now I have been near suicidal over it. I have literally sat and thought about ending it all so I could see you on the other side. Selfish? Yes, very. My reality? Absolutely.

Yesterday I awoke feeling frantic. I was anxious from the moment I opened my eyes. I went in to work and dealt with my sadness silently all day. I turned a brave face forward. Inside I was dying. The other manager and I decided to walk to the mailbox, even though it was Sunday and we knew there was nothing in it. As we walked out the door I had a feeling that you might send me a sign. We walked all the way to the mailbox and there was nothing. I got a little disappointed. I turned to walk back to the restaurant, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw something blue. I reached down to pick it up.

It was one of those pieces of confetti that you would find at a baby shower. It read "It's A Boy" in baby blue. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Thank you for continuing to send me signs from above. Some days they are the only thing that keep me going.

I miss you with all of my soul. I wish things could have been different. I want to hold your precious body one more time. I want to kiss your nose. I want you...