Thankful

I have experienced so many signs that Leo is still here with me since his departure from this plane. I never got to soothe his cries or caress his little warm face, but I receive gifts from heaven on a daily basis. All along my walk of life (which has been much harder since the weight of his loss has been added to my shoulders) I see things that I believe to be true messages from heaven. Things that others may have passed by numerous times and shrugged off, and things that I know only appear for me.

Leo paints the skies for me. Be it sunrise or sunset, he knows what is appropriate and exactly what reflects the colors of my emotions.

Leo gives me rainbows. Not always in the sky,but in places others tend to ignore them. In the dew drops on my walks, on the floor of the pool when the water is still, in the humid haze emanating off of the hot asphalt. That is where I find my Leo.

Leo brings me bugs! Like any little boy would, he always brings me bugs to make me smile. I am constantly surrounded by butterflies, dragonflies, and lady bugs. They swoop in when my sadness threatens to overcome my soul. They bring lighter feelings and smiles. Sometimes they just desire to float along beside me on my walks, or sit with me on my patio. It is in the insects that I see his smile and feel his presence the strongest.

He exists in the glow of the little flames dancing on his candles.

He throws down so many monies form heaven I think I may get rich! Just today I was walking to the apartment offices to pick up an un-named package and I looked down to find a penny at my feet. I picked it up and smiled. When I entered the office I looked at the pile of packages for all the residents. Right on top, I knew it was mine. Another free gift from Similac... I stood there and stared at it until the office manager asked me could she help me. I squeezed the penny in my palm, still warm from the morning sun, and shook my head no. I picked up the package and trudged home. I didn't cry though. I held my penny. In my mind, I held Leo. A dragonfly flew by my head and I knew it was him soothing my heart.

I have a collection of little treasures thrown down from the sky, right at my feet. Beautiful little shiny things that carry undeniable meaning to me. I have thought to myself that perhaps I am reading more into these things than they deserve, but upon review, the meaning remains the same. The are definitely communications from my baby angel. No doubt.

Leo has visited me in my dreams. A few times now. He has sent others to my dreams to speak for him. It is always amazing when I wake up from a dream where I got to communicate with him. The most memorable time being a dream where he spoke to me soon after leaving.

I was so depressed, I couldn't eat, drink, or barely breathe. I felt like I was already dead and didn't know what would stop me from finishing the job. I had based my entire future on what was growing in my belly and I had built a life that included him forever. He was gone. I was lost. I cried myself to sleep on this particular night, and hoped I wouldn't wake up. At some point the dream began. It went from dark to an opening of the scene from my point of view, and I was sitting on a park bench. It was fall and I was surrounded by Gingko trees, all a brilliant yellow. The leaves were floating down all around my feet and I was crying. I felt something touch my knee and when I looked down, I saw a little boy, probably 4 years old, and he was looking at my face with concern. He questioned, "why are you so sad?" I realized who he was at that moment. I cried out, "because you are gone! Because it is over!" I burst into tears. He held his hand on my knee and looked me in the eyes, "Mommy, I don't want you to be so sad. It is not the end. There will be another chance and it will be ok." My breath got caught in my throat. Like it did just now as I recalled the dream. I sat and stared at his beautiful face and believed what he said to be true.  Before I realized it, it was over, I awoke. I lay there recalling every detail so as not to forget it and lose it in that middle area between awake and asleep. I wrote it down in the journal his daddy had given me. I got up, showered, ate and took a deep breath. I was ready to live again.

About a month later, I had a dream in which I was pregnant. The next scene skipped ahead and I had given birth already. I looked into the bassinet and there were two babies! Twins! A boy and a girl staring up at me with bright eyes. I was shocked and I asked them, "where did you come from?!" In unison they answered me. "Leo sent us from heaven."

All in all, my dreams are astoundingly realistic. They resonate in my being weeks after they occur. I feel blessed to have had them.

After all of the less than stellar moments of my life up until Leo, he doesn't want to be the one that breaks me. Why should he be? He was nothing but beautiful in his entirety. His soul was so beautiful that he made sure to cross back over from heaven to let me know that the future held hope. He just wasn't meant to be mine here on earth. He was always meant to be my forever baby in heaven, looking out for me and sending me wonderful gifts from above.

Although I recognize the spectacular nature of the events I have shared today, I would give them all back to have him here in my arms. A 2 week old man child. A perfect replica of his daddy. Everything that I envisioned in my mind.

Instead I have signs. And I am thankful for those.