Rewind...Relive

I was taking a walk today with my son Xai and I was really trucking it.

I am on a mission to get back down to the healthy weight I had found right before Leo found his way into my womb. I feel like I can somehow recreate a similar experience if I make sure certain elements reflect the past. I may have truly lost it, but I feel like there will be some serious de ja vu soon. It is eminent. I am investing my soul into these prophetic nuances. I am officially psychotic.

Anyways, Xai was eating a honey bun (healthy right?) and he dropped it in the dirt as I moved along the road side. He yelled for me to "stop and go back and get it!" I did, but it was covered in dirt and nasty roadside mysteries. I held it up for him to see and told him I was sorry, but we had to throw it out and move along. He breathed out very dramatically and said, "I wish there was a rewind button to life." It caught me off guard that a 6 year old could think of something so deep.

I told him that I wished that as well. (What I couldn't tell him, was how many times I have wanted to push the rewind button and relive certain moments in time with his little brother). He demonstrated how it would work and it made me laugh a bit.

A rewind button for life. Not a time machine. There would be no way to change the outcome. Just a way to reexperience. To refeel the kicks and wiggles. To reeat his favorite foods and reknow that it made him dance. A chance to resing and retalk to his little growing soul. To reappreciate pregnancy.

Perhaps that is what I desire to do. Not go back and change Leo's life story, but to relive it over.

I told his father that even if I knew the end to our Leo, I would never have chosen not to carry him. I would always choose to carry him for as long as God gave him to me. It was one of the greatest honors of my life to be Leo's mommy. He was beautiful, wonderful, and exactly what he was meant to be.

If I could rewind time. If I could hold you in my body again. I would recherish every moment my love. Exactly the same way over.