And then there was you

I woke up today thinking about how I felt when I found out you were on your way. I never thought I'd have another child after the crazy premature birth of your older brother. Having a baby at 24 weeks due to severe preeclampsia is not easy especially at 22 years old. I was so scared of being pregnant. I was scared I wouldn't have enough love for two children. I was scared I may lose you to an early birth. I asked God to give me answers as to what to do and I clearly heard him say,"I will make it right". I let go and let God. I remember knowing about you growing in there and starting to get used to the idea of you joining my world. I loved you. I saw you for the first time on the ultrasound and there you were jumping around like a little jellybean with a skeletor face. I loved you. I felt you for the first time flutter around on Feb 8th and it was so amazing to think that it was my future touching me from the inside. I loved you then too. We went for the 20 week scan to find out if you were to be my son or daughter (I secretly wanted a daughter, but somehow knew in my heart you were a boy). As soon as the ultrasound wand touched my belly, you popped up on the screen and I saw it. So did everyone else and it was an immediate announcement that you were a brother for my son. Oh how I loved your open attitude. I saw that day that not only were you a boy, but you were a twin of your daddy. You had his lips and his nose and his profile and his ears, well his everything. I obsessed over this for weeks. I would look at your ultrasound picture and imagine you as a 2 year old, 4 year old, 16 year old. I couldn't wait to get you here and snuggle with you and raise a tiny man that looked just like the one I was in love with.
   I remember getting past 24 weeks with no signs of preeclampsia in sight. I felt like I had a new found energy! I just knew you were going to go full term. At 26 weeks I got really nervous so I went to the doctor for a non stress test. there was a point were you disappeared from the radar and so the doctor sent me to the hospital to be checked further. I was so scared you were trying to come early. (Looking back I would give anything for you to have been born then as you would have had a fighting chance at survival.) When they came and told me to go home everything looked fine, I rejoiced! I walked outside in the sun and felt like this was a new lease on life! I went shopping and got another maternity top to celebrate many more months of getting big. Little did I know in two weeks my world would crash and burn.
   I came home from work early on a Sunday night, April 24th and started setting up your beautiful car seat. i remember feeling you move around like crazy. I talked to you about all the great stuff I had here waiting for you. I rubbed my belly and relished in your presence. Your daddy came over and you kicked him all night into the next morning. I remember waking up and you were still going crazy in there. In retrospect I wonder if you were struggling at that point. (I can't really deal with thinking you struggled at all so I always convince myself that you went peacefully in your sleep.) I worked all day that day. I felt you a little but it wasn't unusual for you to be still while I worked. I thought you must be tired from all the action the day before. I came home and slept. The next day was about the same except I don't remember feeling you move at all. I woke up on that Wednesday, April 27th, and knew I had to get you to the doctor. I remember the drive there. I called daddy and told him I was scared about you. He said I was probably overreacting and would just get some peace of mind at the doctor. I agreed. At the doctor my blood pressure had sky rocketed. It was 172/100. That is scary high. I knew something was incredibly wrong then. I was 28 weeks 1 day. The exact week I had told myself I would get to and be ok. You had surprised me with your presence and now I knew in my heart you were gone. The ultrasound this time confirmed my worst fears. Your little busy body was perfectly still and the heart beat I had loved to hear was not present. You were gone. The ultrasound tech left the room to get the doctor. She confirmed your passing. I can't really remember the next few hours. I paced and cried and somehow ended up at the hospital. Because my blood pressure was so high they needed to get you out.
     I could tell that your beautiful soul no longer dwelled in my belly. All I could feel was your absence. I opted for a repeat c section because I wanted your body out of me. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I had an empty shell floating around in my uterus in place of my active baby boy. They told me I wouldn't remember meeting you. They were giving me a drug to cause amnesia. I said fuck that. I combatted that medication and I remember everything. You definitely looked just like your daddy. You were perfect. I kissed you on the nose like I imagined doing so many times. I traced your features with my fingers. I held your tiny fragile hand in between my pointer and my thumb. You were cold. It was nothing like i had imagined all those days and nights after finding out you were coming. I have been lost since that day. That night when they handed me my surprise baby, it sucked my soul out of me and vomited it on the floor. I will never be the same since you came and went. I will always wish for what can never be. My little Leo. My tiny angel. I thought I had everything figured out in my life.

And then there was you.