I have started running again. It was something I had to give up because of the c section and have missed it greatly. I feel so free when I run. I started crying today and instead of letting the grief take over, as I sometimes do, I put on my sneakers and my ipod and I ran. I ran until I thought I was going to collapse. I was too busy breathing rythmically to think about how sad it makes me that you aren't here. It was kinda nice. It was momentary relief.
As I ran past the apartment office, I saw a lost dog poster. I stopped and read it over. He was a black lab, loved to play fetch, loved to wrestle with his owner Sophie. He had been lost for over a week. His name was Hercules. The grainy picture on the flier showed him with his big ole doggy grin. I couldn't help but think that they will never see Hercules again. I also thought to myself, how sad for them. Then I realized that losing that dog was no where near the cataclysmic loss of losing my soul when my baby died. How did I maintain the emotional capacity to feel sadness for something as mundane to me as a stranger losing a fucking dog? I hate dogs. I marveled a moment over the possibility that I may one day heal from my loss. I guess I under estimate the healing capabilities of the human mind and soul.
And then I thought about my past. I have been through some of the most horrible moments of abuse and neglect and poverty and hate and, well you name it. I somehow found a way to bounce back. Whether it is my remarkable talent at forgetting or rerouting memories into dreams and making them as though they never happened in reality, or just my resiliency, I have overcome time and time again. Leo would not want to be the one thing that brought me down. I need to view his life and death as a chance at becoming a better person. Maybe it's a good sign that I felt so deeply for that stupid dog and his family. Maybe I can make a change in myself for the better.
Also I thought the other day about how long it had been since I had a cigarette. I haven't had a cig since December. That is 6 months smoke free! I have Leo to thank for that. I also haven't had a drink since October before I found out I was pregnant. I was a recovering lush and had fallen off the wagon a bit right before I got that positive on the test. I know that if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would have ended up in a world of trouble with that shit. I have Leo to thank for saving me from myself. I will never let that go. I will never touch either of those things again because the absence of those vices is the gift that Leo has given me. A healthier lifestyle is his eternal memory. Thank you baby boy. You have given me things I never would have achieved on my own for me and I promise I will continue to improve myself in your honor. When the world forgets about you, I will be your memory.
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