By chance

It was by chance that you came to me.

I was thinking today while I was reading a fellow baby loss mother's blog and she was talking about God's plan. I thought about how I questioned you but accepted you as his plan for my life.

I thought about how I had talked to the doctors about getting my tubes tied after you came. I signed the papers and it was scheduled for the same time as the c section. I was taking chance into my own hands and you were going to be my last child.

I thought about the frantic feelings when you had to be taken out of me sleeping. How I completely forgot about my plans to stop having babies. The doctors didn't even ask about the procedure.

I think about the possibility that I will get pregnant again. I think about how, because of you I will know better how to take care of myself and the precautions to help my blood not clot and hurt the next baby. I think about the possible next baby and that I would never have met them if you hadn't passed away.

I guess I'm trying to see the positive light and maintain my hope for the future. I suppose I want to find a purpose for your death.

Either way, when reading a post about God's plan, I realized that perhaps this was all mapped out. You had to leave so your future baby brother or sister could have a better chance at survival. And so they could even have a chance at conception.

Crazy right? It blew my mind when I realized that the finality of the tubal ligation was no longer my choice. It was by chance that I am still able to make babies, and I thank you buddy. Your hopeful future sibling thanks you for the chance at life.

Nothing will ever replace you in my heart Leo. Please protect my rainbow baby's little soul until I can get them to earth.