dimensional planes of existence

I'm actually excited tonight. Why? Because you will have your own beautiful memorial on my new favorite website. A wonderful lady in Australia does these beautiful pictures where she writes lost baby names in the sand on the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. I hope to see the memorial tomorrow morning when I wake up. That would be most special.

What an alternate universe I have come to reside in. I would have been starting my maternity leave this upcoming week. Instead I am returning to work from my grief leave. I should be adjusting to life with you, but here I sit adjusting to a life without you. I should be celebrating your impending birth, but in your absence, I "celebrate" your memorial picture being uploaded on a dead baby website. I'm so confused. I wish I could wake up from this horrible dream. This nightmare in alternate dead baby land. I hate it here by the way.

I keep seeing pregnant ladies and wishing it could be me again. I hope that experience is in the cards for me again. I keep seeing little babies and wishing I had you. It's not the babies that hurt, but the watching the mothers mother them. Seeing them soothe the cries, and snuggle the sweet smelling bodies. I yearn for such things. I wish it could be with you, but now that you are eternally gone, I wish it could be with another baby with your daddy's DNA mixed with mine. Perhaps they would have a glimmer of you in their eyes. I read one baby loss mom comment about seeing her lost son as the sparkle in her rainbow babies eyes. How beautiful to think such things would be possible.

I don't know why I'm obsessing so hard about this rainbow baby thing. Perhaps it's because in the alternate universe, you are being born to me healthy and gorgeous and the me that's stuck here is jealous of that life. Oh to find a portal and end up on that plane of existence. What I would give up to trade with her right now.

Perhaps later on I will find that this plane is better, but for now I wish I could be there, getting ready for your arrival.