He painted hope

Last night was my first night back at work. I worked hard to balance my emotions the entire shift. I did not cry not once. I spoke about you and honored your existence. I was so proud of myself. 

On my long ride home, very late in the night (or early in the morning) I found myself choking on a sudden wave of grief. It took my breath away and I had to concentrate really hard in order to regain my composure and not wreck my car. I realized that for a second I had waited for you to kick me in my belly. The last time I remembered driving home from work I felt you kick. I think when it hit me that it was all in my mind and my subconscious had forgotten the cruel truth, that was when the grief train hit full force. It was so intense that I couldn't even produce tears. Once it passed over, I still remained uneasy. 

I arrived home all in one piece and sat down at the computer to check on my new baby loss Facebook page. I surely couldn't sleep after all of the drama and emotions of the night. I surfed about the internet for about an hour, printed off some coupons, and turned off the computer. I turned off the lamp and got up to go to bed. 

I noticed that there was light coming in from behind the blinds and got curious. I thought about how I have waited for you to paint me a sunset every night and have been disappointed repeatedly when there wasn't one. I thought that maybe you wanted to paint me a sunrise instead. I peaked out of the window. 

What I saw wasn't very impressive. Yet. I saw the potential, and the sky called out for me. I got my camera and ran out my door and down the steps to the lake shore below. The temperature was perfect. The breeze was gentle. All of nature was waking up and making soothing sounds. I stared at the sky and I waited. 

What transpired over the next hour of my life will forever be imprinted in my mind. The sky evolved from one beauty to the next and I drank it all in. It evoked tears at some points because I knew it was a gift for me. It was you telling me that there was hope in a new day. Every morning is a new chance to live. 

You painted hope across the sky for me. 

As I stood there, wide eyed and in awe of the beauty before me, I whispered to the heavens, "I see you, my love. And I miss you too".