No one had told him about Leo's death and he smiled when he saw me and asked how I was. I felt close enough to him to be able to say that my son had died. He became very apologetic, as they always do, and he asked how I was on a spiritual level with it. I told him about the rainbows that I saw the two days prior to finding out about his death. How there was a double rainbow one day and a single one the next and when I gave birth, they told me that he had probably started to fade on the day of the first rainbow and had passed the day of the second. I told him that I believed Leo was telling me he loved me and goodbye. He agreed whole heartedly and asked me if I had experienced any dreams. I told him about the dream that had really moved me.
The dream was a couple days after I came home from the hospital, and I was on the edge of just giving up. I couldn't stop crying long enough to eat and I was literally drowning in my grief. I didn't shower or change my clothes or brush my hair or even drink water. I became so dehydrated my lips would bleed and I wanted to fade away. Most nights I couldn't sleep at all and would just sit up and cry. One night I fell into a deep sleep and had the most vivid dream.
I dreamed I was sitting on a bench in a beautiful park during the fall. I know it was fall because all the leaves were yellow. I was crying uncontrollably. I looked up and there was a little boy about 3 standing at my knees. He was looking at me intently and he touched my knee with his little hand. He asked me "Why are you so sad? Why do you cry all the time?" I looked him in the eyes and instantly knew he was Leo. I responded, "I am sad because you left me! I am sad because you are gone!" He kept his hand on my knee and said, "Mommy, please don't be sad. This is not the end. There will be another chance. There will be another baby. This is not the end." I don't remember anything else about the dream. In fact the rest of the night was a dreamless sleep. I awoke to the sun shining in through my blinds, reflecting off of the lake outside, creating the coolest moving pattern on the ceiling, and I lay there thinking about the meeting in my dream. I realized that there was no reason to grieve so hard that I couldn't take care of myself and my living son. I saw Leo's little face in my mind, the face I never thought I'd get to see as a little boy, and I heard him repeating what he had said in the dream. I have not been that dysfunctional since that moment. I got up and got in the shower and brushed my hair. I made myself a bowl of cereal and started my day like I had done in the past. The sun had never shined so bright.
I told the gentleman at the bar exactly the story I just told here and his jaw dropped. He grabbed my hand and asked me if I believed in reincarnation. He said whether I did or not, that my son would come back to me. He said he and his ex wife had gotten pregnant and it was a daughter. The baby passed away before her birth as well. He said that after his wife and his divorce that he had a dream of the same nature as mine. His daughter came to him in a dream and told him it was ok and they would meet again, but she was never meant to be "their" baby (referring to his ex wife) but she was meant to be his daughter with someone else. He said after that dream he felt a peace with her passing similar to mine. He looked at me and said, "You are one of the most fortunate of souls Adrienne. You will get to meet him again. He will come back to you and this time you will be able to carry him." He reached out for my hand and said,"not many people get such reassurance in life of anything. You have truly been blessed beyond belief. He must really love you to reach you from the other side."
I hope he is right. I hope I get to remeet Leo one day. I would feel so honored to be able to carry his precious soul more than once in my womb. I suppose anything is possible. Perhaps this time was his test run.
It's not that I no longer get sad. It's not as if I have forgotten my son. It's definitely not that I have stopped crying.
It's that I have found the will to live again. To press on through my loss and grow from it. To wait for the day I get to see my Leo again.
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