When did it switch

I know I was just here, but in the hour since I last posted I have done nothing but look at pictures of other people's dead babies. I have read their stories and cried for their losses. I have marveled over how beautiful the dead babies were. I have joined this alternate universe of dead baby land. Where you can look through all the defects and bruising and sometimes blood to see a beautiful shell of a being. Something that someone loved very much and lost. A turning point in a life. A connection to a stranger that you wish you could sever but can't. I forget that less than two months ago I was looking at pictures of living babies and forming fetuses and imagining all the possibilities that lie before me. Now all those things seem so far away. Like it was a lifetime ago that my time was spent thinking about life instead of death. I wish I didn't have to be in this awful club, but I'm glad that I have opened my eyes to a strange beauty I never would have recognized in the past.

My friends always said I was morbid. I collect bones and skulls and taxidermy and gargoyles and poisonous tarantulas and other dark things of that nature. Now I have the ashes of my dead son as well. Not how I imagined my future.