Today I just miss him

Hello my love. Oh how I miss you. My emotions change so often I never know what to expect. The only emotion that is constant is sadness. Sometimes it's a sadness that brings me to tears, other times a sadness that steals my breath away and leaves me numb.

I was able to openly talk about you to your daddy tonight. I didn't cry at all. I made you something wonderful for your little space! I went to your daddy's auto body shop and looked down and saw a piece of metal on the ground that resembled a dragonfly wing. I had a great idea! I could bring a little piece of the shop to you! I always knew that you would have enjoyed being there and you never got the chance. Little boys just have this certain admiration for all things tool and car. I looked around and as if it was meant to be, I found all the pieces to make you a dragonfly! It turned out really neat. I put it right by your ashes.

Your brother talks about you all the time. He really misses you even though to him you were only ever an idea. He understands how your absence affects me and has been a great distraction from my grief.

I'm getting really scared of going back to work next week. I don't know why but it is creating all kinds of anxiety for me. I hope I can get through it. I think I'm worked up because the last time I walked through those doors, you were with me. Now I'll be going alone. No baby kicks or wiggles to make me smile throughout the day. Somehow I always knew that my pregnancy with you would be cut short. I made sure to revel in the movements and beautiful feelings extra, just in case I would never feel them again. I have already forgotten the feelings and it kills me. You can't remember pain and I suppose you can't remember some beauty either.

I just miss you Leo. Like crazy. Everything I do, you are on my mind. Every moment of every day, that is when I find you. In the trees, the dragonflies that flit around the pool (I imagine you wanting to go swimming with your brother and me), the feather that floats by on our walks. I find you in the beauty of the mid day rains, and the phenomenal sunsets. Don't stop sending me your love. I will keep looking for it.