The Playground Posse

I went to the pool this afternoon. Thought I'd clear my head with some laps. When I walked in with my 5 year old son I heard all kinds of hellos coming from the kids in the pool. I realized that the moms of these children were also at the pool, and I realized that there were no hellos coming from them to me. I remembered when I found out I was pregnant and shared the info with all the other moms at the playground how quickly we became friends. They had so much to talk about with me and we shared stories. They even threw me a baby shower and on the invitations wrote that it was being put on by the "playground posse". I felt so fortunate to have such great friends! Now that Leo has passed away it's as though I have leprosy. All the hopes and dreams have been shattered by my inability to carry a baby. I feel like a failure and they must see me as such. They don't want to talk to me because they would have to deal with my grief. They would have to recognize that my world has been crushed, that all my dreams of him are dead. I might mention him. I might cry. God forbid. All I want is for them to recognize that he existed. To say his name now as they did when he was alive. I realize that babies shouldn't die. I realize how hard it is to deal with. I just wish they wouldn't avoid me. It hurts to have to swim away the loneliness that eats me from inside as well as out.