The lady in the mirror

I used to have joy in my life. I used to be a pretty fun person to be around. My manic moments were uncontrollable fun. I used to like who I was, for the most part.

Now I find that even when I am not sad, I'm not truly happy either. There is always a sadness in the back of my mind and a tear waiting to be let out. It's like sometimes the sadness breaks down the door I try to hold it behind. Like any little thing will bring it to the surface. I feel more peace, but the same amount of sorrow. How do I balance it out?

I am happy that perhaps there is an answer to what happened to Leo, I am also devastated that it happened at all.

I thought today as I was walking through the mall and saw all the women with their perfect children and big round baby bumps, why was I chosen to be broken? Why couldn't I be born capable of bringing children to earth? I had my first son at 24 weeks due to preeclampsia. I mourned the pregnancy and his tiny suffering for months. He is fine now, but the journey was a rough one. I had Leo at 28 weeks, but he was already dead. I can't begin to describe the mourning I have this time. Now I mourn my ability to birth a healthy child.

I was looking in the mirror because I had an eyelash in my eye just a minute ago and as I stared into my own eye, I said out loud, "Why am I broken?" All the moments of sorrow that should have been joy associated with the birth of both of my children flashed before me and I found myself on the floor in the fetal position, drooling on myself while the tears flowed freely.

Fuck you lady in the mirror. You have caused so much pain and destruction to the things that you love. What the fuck is wrong with you?!