Missing pieces

I've got a couple of random things to ramble about today. I realized that this blog has quickly become my new best friend since amidst the grief and sadness that has become my life, none of my old friends want to talk. At least we have each other blog!

On that note, I will begin my day by telling you about my friend who has abandoned me and my efforts to salvage our friendship. We have been friends since the day we met 5 years ago. I was pregnant with my first son and she wanted to be pregnant too. We ended up working together for 3 years in a tight knit family owned restaurant and we shared everything. She was there for me whenever I needed to talk. She would listen as I talked about the abuse from my then boyfriend and she would try to protect me, although that was a moot point at the time. I love her. Anyways she called me a couple months before I found out I was pregnant and told me she had just found out she was finally having her second baby. I was happy for her and we talked about how now she would have 2 children, as she already had a daughter, and how that would change her life so much. Two months later, I took my pregnancy test and found out about my surprise baby. She was one of the first people I called to tell. I was scared and now we were in the same scary 2 child club. We got excited and were even closer from there on out. We were finally pregnant at the same time!

She called me the day I was at the dr. office minutes after I found out that my beautiful son, who was supposed to change my life, was never going to get the chance. I cried and told her that Leo was dead and how scared I was. She told me she would be there for me when ever I needed her and to keep her updated. I think at that point she thought the drs could be wrong.  Well I've needed her everyday since and she has not been there. You see she gave birth to her son a week before I gave birth to mine, but hers was alive and mine was dead. There are no parallels anymore. The thing that brought us closer together has also been the rift to tear us apart.

I texted her about a week after I lost him, to take her up on her offer of "being there". I waited 24 hours for a response and when there was none, I tried to call her. She didn't answer. I then text her that I was sorry my situation was so sad, but I just needed her. She finally responded and told me this

"I'm sorry, I really am. I'm just in a lot of pain, I'm overwhelmed with two kids and I'm tired."

My stomach turned when I received that text. How could she say those things!? In a lot of pain! I had a c section too bitch! Overwhelmed with two kids! Fuck you! I was supposed to be overwhelmed with two kids! Tired! I have never felt exhaustion like the "tired" that sweeps in and wipes out all the energy of happiness and replaces it with the weight of grief. I was appalled at her insensitivity, but still I forgave her.

Two days ago I was sitting in my car and I thought about her. I missed her and I even wished I could meet her new baby. As painful as it would be, I had really been looking forward to meeting him. He was Leo's first and only little friend on earth. I texted these feelings to her, and told her how much I missed her and wished things had been different and wished we could be 2 child moms together. She never responded.

I guess that in her lack of response, I got mine. She can't handle that I have a dead baby. She can't deal with the fact that the friend lives we imagined and talked about so many times, will not be coming to pass. She is gone. It hurts.

Que sera...

Secondly, I'd like to talk about my compulsive spending problem and how it has evolved throughout my ordeal. You see, I have a very addictive personality, but I no longer fuck with any of my old vices. I fuck with shopping. It is my drug of choice. When I was a lush, I used to shop for awesome liquors, drinking paraphernalia, new expensive beers from all over the world, cigarettes and lighters and ashtrays. When I gave up drinking and took up working out, I redirected my buying to insane amounts of running shoes, walking shoes, workout tanks, sports bras, water bottles, workout pants, weights, you name it. When I lost 60 pounds, I again switched it up and started buying loads of sexy underwear, sexy outerwear, sexy heels, skimpy dresses. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped spending for a few weeks because I just didn't know the right direction to point my money. Then the morning came where I woke up and suddenly needed to spend like a fiend. I went to the stores and looked at the baby stuff. I successfully traded the sexy shit for baby shit. I started with diapers. I wanted a stockpile of diapers. I moved on to clothes, starting with unisex clothes and then once I found out he was a boy, the cutest boy clothes you have ever seen. I moved on to stuff. Bouncy seats, blankets, toys, bottles, bibs, socks, shoes, mittens, brushes, nail clippers, crib bumper sets, books, etc. I spent thousands of dollars in a matter of months.

When he died I told my mom to clean the stuff out of my house so I wouldn't have to deal with it when I came home. She called me and asked me what did I want her to do with the diapers. "You have an amazing amount of diapers here" she said. Yes, they were all sizes, from newborn to 3's and they would have lasted me for a long time. I told her to return them and she was able to get over $200 back in cash and the rest in gift cards. I'm using the gift cards for my older son's birthday because I know Leo would want his money to go to making his brother happy. The rest of the stuff I can't bring myself to get rid of. The thousands of dollars worth of clothes and stuff I spent hours picking out and painstakingly imagining his little body filling out. That was Leo's stuff! The only person who will get to wear it will be his little brother if he ever gets one. So that was the next direction of my crazy spending. And it was over too fast.

Now I'm confused as to what direction my retail therapy will end up going. I don't feel sexy anymore. I don't need any work out attire. I refuse to pick up drinking and smoking again because as I have previously mentioned, the absence of those things is Leo's forever gift to his mommy. There is no baby to buy for. My son needs nothing. My only recent purchases have been candles. Really good smelling candles. I have over 30 candles to choose from when I wake up in the morning. How many more do I need? Where will I redirect this time? How do you redirect anything when your internal compass is crushed?

There is one more thing. I went to the mall yesterday to try to figure out where my money wanted to go. On the journey I passed by those kiosks where they have all the name meaning calligraphy and gifts. I found myself looking for Leo's name frantically. I wanted to see who he should have been. I needed to hold a piece of paper with his name on it since I can't hold him. There it was, in between Leah and Kelsey. I picked it out and stared at it. I held it gingerly in my hands. The tears welled up as I read who he should have been.

LEO
Quick to give of himself to help a bigger cause.
Selfless.
Loving and Unique in every way.

It was perfect. I did not buy it. I didn't need to. I already knew he was those things.

I miss you every day my love. Not a moment goes by that I do not wish we could have spent more time together. I can't wait for the day I can hold you. Kisses and hugs sweet baby boy.