I had to wake myself up this morning from a terrible dream. I dreamt that I was back at work already and there was a couple of people who were plotting to kill me because my body killed my son. They were chasing after me and the owner and his wife, who just had their baby a couple of weeks ago, kept pushing their newborn son in my face and saying, "we really wanted him so God let us keep him." I couldn't make myself cry in my dream but I remember feeling pain in my arms. Pain because they were empty. Because I didn't have my son to hold and snuggle and care for. I woke up and my arms actually ached. I went into my son's room and he had just woke up as well. I reached out for him and he let me hold him for a minute. (he is 5 and usually wriggles away and says "No Huggies!") I know I'm blessed to have him here with me but my heart still aches for Leo. Obviously my subconscious feels guilty. I hope I don't have any more dreams like that one. I hope God gives me a baby on earth one day so I can hold him or her.
It's like when I found out I was pregnant with a second child, I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough love for two children. As Leo grew though, so did my love, and now I have this over abundance of love with no outlet. I'm trying to grow from this. I really am. But I just can't fight the feelings that keep sneaking up on me. Especially in dream land. Come on subconscious. Give me a break.
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